Let’s face it: Every girl wants to get laid on Halloween. Why else would we dress so slutty? That’s why the costume shops are filled with schoolgirl-Spanish-pirate-bunny-witch-Franken-hooker ensembles. They’re doing everything they can to help us bring home some boooo-ty. But the thing is…everyone wears the same sexy costumes on Halloween. You certainly don’t want to be one of five girls dressed as ‘Officer Naughty.’ Plus, if you procrastinated in getting your costume, you might be screwed. And not it the way you hope to be. So, how can you still stand out amongst a sea of sexy, store-bought costumes? Come up with your own skin-baring look. Here are four last-minute, at-home costume ideas that say, “Happy Halloween! I’m easy.”
1) The babes from the Carl’s Jr. commercials who eat the new Memphis BBQ burger in slow-motion—(Note: This is actually a costume for a two people.) It’s not the meat between your buns that’s making the boys salivate. Or maybe it is.
The how-to: Recruit an equally hot friend who’s not afraid to get a little saucy. Because eating these enormous burgers will probably make you hot enough to work up a sweat, you only need to wear either an American flag bikini top or cropped gingham shirt tied up high. Both of you should be in cut-off jean shorts that are tiny enough to give everyone an ass-cheek peek. You want to look like farm girls who get confused when you ask them if carrots are root vegetables. On the way to the Halloween bash, hit a Carl’s Jr. drive-thru and order two Memphis BBQ burgers. Then, when you get to the party, lounge side-by-side on a couch, interlock arms and basically, make out with your burger. Go ahead, slip it the tongue. Caress its sesame seeds. Toss your hair a lot, too. Those burgers are good. Real good.
Who you’ll attract: Frat boys, guys who like pulled pork, and other costumed duos—like the Super Mario Brothers
Bonus: If you have matching vapid looks in your eyes AND you can drip barbecue sauce in your own cleavage.
2) Kate Middleton sunbathing topless—This practically effortless costume is sure to snag you a prince…or maybe a guy dressed as Prince.
The how-to: All you need is a tiara, sunglasses, bikini bottoms and sandals. (If you’re a blonde or redhead, you’ll need a long brunette wig, as well.) You could also carry around a tube of SPF for added effect. Who knows? The questionably straight guy dressed as Honey Boo Boo might offer to rub some on you. See? You feel like a princess already.
Who you’ll attract: Brits, metrosexuals, and probably a few d-bags
Bonus: Speak with a British accent all night.
3) Hurricane Sandy Victim—You’re wet and most of your clothes blew off. And everyone wants to *ahem* console you. You will be fighting the werewolves, vampires and ninjas off with a wayward tree branch. You’re welcome.
The how-to: All you need is a sarong, bikini top and beach wrap or just a towel. Carry a beach tote and a plastic cocktail glass in your hand, as if you were having the time of your life until old Sandy swooped in and rained on your parade. Wet your hair and put pomade in it so stays looking wet. If you live near palm trees, take a few leaves and strategically place them in your hair. Then, douse the rest of your body with a water bottle. In case you haven’t guessed by now, you are drenched. You were assaulted by a torrential downpour that nearly destroyed you. Yet oddly, you still look hot—probably because you are wearing minimal clothing.
Who you’ll attract: Amateur storm-watchers, stoners who are confused by how you got wet when it wasn’t raining outside
Bonus: Carry an open umbrella.
4) Pregnant Gloria (Sofia Vergara) from Modern Family, in denial over her wardrobe malfunction—Never underestimate the power of a pregnant belly and plump tetas. Plus, you know what they say about a woman with a bun in the oven: She puts out.
The how-to: For a natural looking baby bump, drink a lot of beer and eat salted pistachios in the days leading up to the party. Instant bloating! Or, just lean back and push your stomach as far out as you can. To emulate pregnant Gloria, don a heavily-padded black bra, black pants, a red necklace, red purse and an unbuttoned super-tight sweater that looks like it caved under the pressure of your big, pregnant belly. Appear shocked at your mishap. Say, “Mierda!” a lot.
Who you’ll attract: Hombres, pregnancy fetishists, strangers who want to know where they can find a late-night taco truck
Bonus: Find a chubby 13-year-old Mexican boy to accompany you to the party.
By: Michelle Spencer
