Wurstküche
Okay, we know that sausages aren’t technically hot dogs, but the reverse is true and that is good enough for us. This place is amazing from the décor to the drinks, and I’ve never heard of someone that was unhappy after a visit. The Belgian fries, wide selection of Belgian beer, and exotic sausages ranging from rabbit and rattlesnake to vegan and vegetarian links are all very good reasons to try this spot with locations in Venice and Downtown.

The Stand
With all sorts of different dogs from around the country, The Stand allows you to either build your own or choose from classic favorites. You can feel like you are eating off a street cart with a Downtown L.A. Dog wrapped in bacon and onions, or you can get their version of the Chicago Dog. The hot dogs they use are pretty tasty, and they know how to handle your buns. With three locations around the city, it is definitely worth a stop.

QT’s Chicago Style Hot Dog
If you’ve been to Chicago, you can attest to the deliciousness of Vienna Beef hot dogs. QT’s is half liquor store, half hot dog stand, and is loaded with tasty Chicago classics like the Italian beef, the Polish sausage and of course, the signature dog. From the celery salt to the poppy seed bun, they are the best place to have a hot dog and feel like you are in a neighborhood joint somewhere on the north side of the Windy City. They serve their fries in baskets, and the tables have the familiar yellow and red squeeze bottles to drown your fries in ketchup and mustard. Remember to keep the ketchup as far away from that dog as possible, or just hope a Midwest native doesn’t see it.

Carney’s
It’s hard not to like this place. Their locations are made out of old, yellow trains; I mean, how cool is that? With burgers, sandwiches and even tacos that are pretty good, this place has all the comfort food you’ve been craving and they cook a great processed beef link. While they don’t do Chicago style dogs justice, they have really tasty options in many different varieties (mild, spicy, etc.) that satisfy your belly-itch that needs scratching. You may even run into Jay Leno, who swears it’s his favorite place to pig out. Just make sure you don’t get so full you can’t jump out of the way when he tears off down Sunset or Ventura (their two locations) in one of his many antique cars.

Uncle Ced’s
Who knew a tiny street cart could pack in so much good stuff? Hanging out down by the 405 and 10 interchange isn’t normally something we’d recommend, but Uncle Ced has a good thing going. His Spicy Polish is legendary, and his hot dogs are top notch. This may sound sketchy, but make sure you look around for his cart near the Best Buy parking lot, it’s totally worth it.

Watch:

HAHAJK.com’s weekly news wrap-up is back again with two more amazing comedian guests. Hosts Tony Sam (HAHAJK.com Editor/Writer, Attack of the Show) and Kurtis Rintala (HAHAJK.com, NBC’s Friends) are joined by actor/comedians Barry Rothbart (The Tonight Show, Conan, Scorsese’s upcoming The Wolf of Wall Street) and Grant Lyon (Interview Date, Bumbershoot Music and Comedy Festival).

Todays topics include:  The last day of the Pope, Gay Marriage, Pen cameras, Credit Card Debt, The Government, The Onion’s apology, A great fight story and more!

Why the hell is this guy so determined to clean his mouth?

You’re just going to have to find out.

HAHAJK has broken the night of the awards into 5 phases, offering suggested behavior on how to fit in and get ahead.

1.  Oscar Morning Warm-Ups: Practice smiling for extended periods of time and have friends or family hurl insults in your direction while you attempt to maintain composure.
2.  On the Red Carpet: As you work your way down the carpet, lined with reporters, rabid fans and photographers waiting to catch you fall or frown, make sure to never let that practiced smile leave your face. When approached for an interview, take compliments about your outfit graciously and return the compliments while upping the ante and remarking on the person’s hair. If you must do a pirouette, only do it once and then continue on into the Dolby Theatre.
3.  While Seated: Make sure one of your assistants has found out whom you are sitting near so you have one compliment in the chamber to fire off and get that nose brown. While Seth MacFarlane is performing his opening monologue, laugh at every joke (even if you don’t think it’s funny) because you don’t want the camera to land on your face and have it turn into a meme a la Tommy Lee Jones from the Golden Globes. Don’t laugh too hard, though, because people might speculate later that you were drunk, stoned or worse, what you really are: fake.
4. While Accepting an Award: Act surprised; you will seem humble, which is very important. Mention the fact that you never thought you’d be on this stage. But don’t overdo it, everyone hates that. We assure you Anne Hathaway will not abide by this when she wins this Sunday. Thank your manager, agents, publicists, producers, the entire studio lot, anyone working in craft services, best boys, best girls, your high school acting coach and the kid you grew up with who told you you’d never make it. Tell your fellow nominees that you are honored just to have been included in the same category as them so when the camera cuts away to them they can look satisfied. Only mention your spouse and children last as the music is playing you off stage. They can’t keep you working like everyone you already mentioned.
5. After Parties: You’ve most likely been going non-stop since the morning. It may be a monumental struggle at this point, but keep smiling even when you get stopped on the red carpet of the events and have to answer more of the same questions, and have to explain what the award means to you if you won or worse, how happy you are for others if you lost. If you won an Oscar, don’t approach anyone, they’ll happily come to you. Return the praise with a thank you and one nice thing about their appearance. If you didn’t win anything, take it easy on the booze so you don’t look like you fell off the wagon due to your loss. If you weren’t even nominated, drink like a fish, no one cares about you.

As an added bonus, the episode begins with a visit from Jami Philbrick, the managing editor of Relativity Media’s IAmRogue.com, who joins Brett and Ben to make final Oscar predictions, with the 85th Annual Academy Awards just days away on Sunday, February 24th.  Check out Brett’s article “IAR’s Oscar Winner Predictions” on IAmRogue.

Ben Feldman is “On The List”

“I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one who ever sampled the show.

Kardashian took on the hosting duty, opposite Extra TV veteran AC Slater (aka Mario Lopez), with no prior experience. Sources say it was her visibly uncomfortable on-camera appearance that led to Kardashian being dismissed.

The 28-year-old, known best from E!’s Keeping Up with the Kardashians recently told HuffPost Live this little gem about being on live TV:

“Just learning how there’s a screaming audience and you don’t yell because the mic is right there. I will have an earpiece in my ear, and while I’m trying to read the teleprompter then I have someone counting down … and they’re like, ‘Okay, ask Simon this or that’ … There were so just so many pieces I never knew were involved in live TV.“

Poor thing.

We know this video’s quality is almost as bad as her hosting. Watch it. Trust us:

At least she can continue exerting no skill for a living on her family’s show. But if Khloe really wants another job, here are HAHAJK’s suggestions:

1. Lamp

2. Tree

3. Statue

HAHAJK.com’s weekly news wrap-up is back again with two more amazing comedian guests. Hosts Tony Sam (HAHAJK.com Editor/Writer, Attack of the Show) and Kurtis Rintala (HAHAJK.com, NBC’s Friends) are joined by actor/comedians Shannon Hatch (MTV Networks) and James Fritz (Just For Laughs -Chicago, Redbarradio.com).

Todays topics include:  Valentine’s Day and why love is a ruse, Christopher Dorner and the LAPD, The Pope steps down, Sex and household chores, OJ Simpson’s Super Bowl Party, Meth as a Valentine’s Day gift, Shannon’s terrible week, Fritz isn’t good with relationships, and more!

Crystal recounts how vomit-inducing sickness can’t even keep her suitors away on Valentines day. She also illustrates why young men should never listen to their coach in regards to romance and provides important tips on how to swim very quickly.

Bryant realizes all his valentine stories are about men. Another epiphany for Bryant is his genetic predisposition for ranting and getting off topic, blamed largely on his father, another aimless Jewish windbag.

This weeks rant: Beyonce “Life is but a dream” is not her own words, although Bryant cannot even remember his own words!

The drink experiment of the week was; Cayman Jack Margarita and the Jameson Irish Whiskey was appreciated by the adults. All this and much more!

Enjoy the mayhem of Me & Jew Episode 2: The Valentines Day Massacre.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Shutterstock (Joe Seer, S_buckley, Jaguar PS)

So how did the night fare?

1. Taylor Swift steals a page from Britney Spears and acts like a robot. An incredibly attractive robot. This may work for her.
2. LL Cool J stands for “Ladies Love Cool James;” James, being LL’s real first name. Unfortunately for us, his name is not Teleprompters Love Cool James. The man can barely read. He spoke a lot about dreams in the opening monologue. I had a great dream while I napped as he spoke and I think I heard him throwing out lots of clichés, but I especially liked it when he vowed to never give speeches again. He did say that, right? Maybe I dreamt it.
3. Really disappointed Elton John didn’t get the Lifetime Achievement Grammy for owning the most sparkly blazers throughout a career. Elton was in top form during both his duet with Ed Sheeran and the tribute to Levon Helm, but the blue and red tint glasses must go, EJ. You’re a knight, for Christ’s sake. Pull it together man.
4. Is that J-Lo’s long meaty leg or am I still dreaming of Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles?
5. The group, Fun., gave one of the least fun performances of the night. Kind of a yawner and it didn’t look like they were having a good time until it started pissing on them.  Or was that rain? Piss seemed more appropriate. After winning the Grammy for Best Song, they start to get played off the stage with music during their acceptance speech. Should musicians be played off the stage with talking? Just a thought. I’m sleepy.
6. Justin Timberlake took us all back to the ‘40s in a highly visual big band concept performance. I wish I could hate on him, but black people seem to love him and the boy can just flat out sing like a girl.
7. Frank Ocean beats Chris Brown this time around. Frank received a standing ovation while Chris Brown looked legitimately surprised before applauding while looking around, plotting which human he will beat to pulp later in the night.
8. Alicia Keys should receive a Grammy next year for making the Maroon 5 performance bearable. Maybe a Lifetime Achievement Award? Something big.
9. Bizarre cane or not, Prince has probably slept with most the audience at tonight’s Grammys. He just walks with a swagger of a man whose belt holds Wilt Chamberlain-type notches. Or that’s just the discomfort of an inflamed STD – it’s one of the two for sure.
10. When does Carrie Underwood have to bring her magic dress back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry? Asking for a friend.
11. I don’t know who the hell Mikky Ekko is, but after his duet with Rihanna, he is definitely on Chris Brown’s radar. Mikky, you poor boy, we’re praying for your safety.
12. If Jack White impregnated Carly Rae Jepsen, she would give birth to a porcelain doll. You need sunglasses just to look at her translucent epidermis. Call her maybe (if you’re into vampires and or an abundance of varicose veins).
13. Jay-Z is fucking smooth. He doesn’t have to thank shit. The man who’s got it all (including Beyonce’s fine, lip-synching ass) only needs to thank a guy’s hat. Here’s how you accept an award.
14. The Lumineers filled the requisite hippie quotient for the evening. Damn that song is catchy. It also makes you want to watch Silver Linings Playbook.
15. Katy Perry’s breasts should have won something. (I can’t say any more. Except maybe: WOW.)
16. Hunter Hayes didn’t win an award, but he certainly looks like a young, more attractive Patton Oswalt. So, there’s that.
17. Bob Marley would be happy his son got to sing with Bruno Mars, Sting and Rihanna in a tribute to his life and music. And just an F.Y.I., those weren’t smoke machines. Jah Mon.
18. Full figured ladies had a big showing: Adele, Kelly Clarkson and Miranda Lambert made a huge dent in the festivities. Rex Reed’s flamboyant, BBW-hating ass, would have hated these girls.
19. T. Bone Burnett, Mavis Staples, Mumford & Sons and Brittany Howard of Alabama Shakes were among the stars paying tribute to the late Levon Helm with a version of The Band’s “The Weight.” Mavis seemed to forget the song was over and continued yelling well after the song had concluded. Old people are funny. That was a good bit.
20. LL Cool J showed us he still can rap, and took his jacket off to remind us that mama can still knock us out. Too bad The Grammys couldn’t.

Here are a few  of the night’s more memorable performances:

Everyone at CBS seems not only oblivious to the fact that social media exists, but that the entire world is glued to the Twitter and Facebook apps on their smart phones every second of every minute of their information hungry and attention deprived lives. Well, guess what? Since I already knew what was going to happen, I could’ve watched the highlights on YouTube five minutes after they happened. I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to watch them live to see the performances, gaudy clothing, and goofy personalities that the music industry is comprised of as it all unfolded.

But I couldn’t, because CBS aired some bullshit about the movie Lincoln, and 60 minutes.

For three hours I had to imagine what mystery-colored clown wig Nicki Minaj is wearing, or if anyone showed off more booty skin than they should have. In my mind, Taylor Swift won again, and again, and again. TAYLOR!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHH! Then a fist fight breaks out, and you know Chris Brown is in there swinging elbows as Rihanna holds her head in her hands and sobs. The Grammys in my head is awesome!!!!!

(Breath)

Maybe CBS should’ve paid to have the Internet and phone systems to go down until everyone watched, or better yet, join the fucking club with every other awards show and air the show everywhere as it fucking happens. These people should be made to jump at our whim and belt out a tune for our amusement. We shouldn’t have to wait for shit. In medieval times, if a musician didn’t play when commanded, they’d be killed. We demand satisfaction!

Did I wait to see it? You’re goddamn right I did. I turned off my phone, stepped away from the computer and pretended to live in the fantasy world that CBS created for me. Unfortunately, now I have to live my entire life being skeptical of which events are actually happening live as I watch them. How will I know the difference between reality and perceived reality? I won’t. You win CBS, I’m stupid. I’ll play your game another year, while millions of people get to see the Grammys live. I just want to know what LA did to deserve this. I blame gang violence. It’s all I can think of.

The new piece?

A cat.

Apparently today’s “Monopoly” enthusiast is the crazy cat lady who smells like pee that lives across the hall from you. This all sounds like some bizarre conspiracy and an attempt to balance out the game’s obvious favoring of dogs and horses. What are they going to change next, “Mouse Trap?” When will it stop?

The company asked Monopoly fans to vote on which of its iconic pieces should be axed in favor of a new more “exciting” piece. Well guess what, we all turned our backs on the boot, iron and wheelbarrow, while standing fully behind Scottie dog. The thought of ironing anything makes me ill. I guess we shouldn’t be too surprised about all of this, though. How else can you explain the millions of views on YouTube for videos like, “Puppy in Basket,” or “Kitten Amazed By String?”

To be honest, I’m a cat person, but I can think of much better ways to spend three hours instead of fighting over imaginary property, play money, and who gets to be the car (everyone’s favorite game piece). For starters, I could use my cat to iron my shirts. Better yet, I could get to work on lobbying to preserve the integrity of all the other board games I haven’t touched in twenty years and probably won’t again until my kids force me to play.

So Hasbro, you go ahead and bring cats into the mix, and think about what you want to change next. I guess now if my family and I are ever snowed in and have to play board games, I can feel good about the prospect of winning and being able to shout in my brother’s face, “You just got your ass whooped by a cat, bitch!”

Well, we love Melissa McCarthy, so in her honor, we decided to review Rex’s appearance and look past his writing ability – you know, the only thing about him that should be critiqued – to see how physically perfect he is.

Image via: cinematicfringe.com/

Let’s begin…

Rex looks like a flamboyant W.C. Fields complete with a big, red gin-nose. It looks like he spent the last thirty years of his life in a boxing ring as a helpless sparring partner not allowed to fight back. The liver spots on the right side of his forehead accent the many ravages of age seen on his doughy face. As someone who has obviously gone through what we like to call “the thickening” – when a man’s head balloons and gets bigger, regardless of how good they eat or how much they exercise ­– he should be the last person commenting on someone’s weight. From what we can tell, he isn’t skipping out on dessert either. While we’re at it, it looks like he still get’s acne breakouts. Most people don’t go through a second puberty in their seventies, do they? Is that a mole under his right eye or the parasitic twin that possessed him to write all of those nasty things?

His comments about Melissa McCarthy’s weight had no place in a movie review. If you didn’t like the movie, fine, but before you go after someone’s appearance and make it personal, don’t forget to look in a mirror first.

FYI – I’m a frizzy-haired, four-eyed, neanderthal of a person.

Todays topics include:  Beyonce and the Super Bowl blackout, sperm counts, Scott’s illness, LA’s manhunt for a lunatic cop killer, Rex Reed fat shaming Melissa McCarthy, The Grammys, the Monopoly cat, and more!

Photo Credit: Flixster

Now you have the simple task of finding true love in a city full of people priding themselves on their ability to bullshit.

So, here are a few tips for the ladies that will help you land a man in La La Land:

1. If he says he’s a “writer,” he’s mostly likely dead broke and you should prepare at the very least, to go dutch on a first date and then never want see him again. If he says he is an “actor,” he’s also dead broke and he’s more consumed with his appearance than you are with yours, but he’s probably better looking than the writer, so go ahead and see him again.
2. Don’t let him round “third base” until you can verify everything he told you on Google, Facebook, and IMDB.
3. Make sure to pretend to love hearing him talk about himself and more importantly, his career. Think of it as an acting exercise, this will dull the pain.
4. Even though they’re playing on an iPhone and not listening, when dating an agent or studio executive, make sure to keep your list of past boyfriends and people who have hurt you to yourself. They won’t care and will find it annoying if they happen to be listening.
5. Be ready to ask if he has a role for you whenever he lists the projects he’s working on. If sex occurs too quickly, be prepared to never get the role.
6. If you meet someone who admits to being unemployed, there’s a very good chance his family is incredibly wealthy. Proceed carefully with blowing off an unemployed man whom you should really be blowing.
7. Never talk about yourself unless asked and even then, steer it back to them and keep smiling and just remember, you’re in L.A. now, people back home are jealous of you.

Dressed in all black, Beyoncé began the foreplay with “Love on Top.” An aggressive move, but we were fine with it. Then the pyrotechnics came, as I’m sure many people did early in her performance as well. As she sang, “Crazy in Love,” she ripped off her shirt and shook her booty like her life depended on it. If it did depend on it, she held up her side of the deal. And if that wasn’t enough, the rest of Destiny’s Child (Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams) were hiding under the stage (where we assumed Beyoncé usually kept them) and emerged to help sing “Bootylicious” and “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).” While a pleasant surprise, neither Rowland nor Williams could outshine the glowing, pulsating libido-star known as Beyoncé on this night. As the performance ended with “Halo,” and everyone watching was drenched in a heated and aroused sweat, thoughts of taking a cold shower danced in our heads, and we wondered if she would call the next day.

Al Roker sharted during a visit to the White House shortly after his gastric bypass surgery back in 2002, which shouldn’t really come as a surprise to anyone, because if most people had to make a list of celebrities who were likely to shit their pants, we’re pretty sure Al would be near the top of everyone’s list.

Have you ever sharted? Sure, we all have, but now Mr. Roker has given all of us the courage to talk about these unhappy accidents with some sort of dignity(?) after a journalist uncovered the incident in a recent interview.

“I probably went off and ate something I wasn’t supposed to, and as I’m walking to the press room, I realized, ‘I have to pass a little gas here,’” he began. “And I thought, ‘Who’s going to know?’ Only… a little something extra came out.”

Al didn’t want to say it, but once journalist Dr. Nancy Snyderman saw the opening, she really got her Ed Murrow on.

“You pooped your pants,” she said, somehow managing to keep a straight face.

To which the former fat Albert retorted, “I pooped my pants.”

Sharting happens. It’s a hot, wet (most times) threat to our everyday composure and if you haven’t experienced it, you’re either lying or you’re a gaseous misstep away from becoming a statistic. But if you ever do burst a poop pipe, just follow these simple instructions and like Al Roker, you’ll survive to tell the tale.

• Don’t make any sudden moves. There’s a good chance your underwear has done its job and kept “it” from destroying your social or professional life.
• Clench your butt cheeks and hold whatever else is in as best you can.
• Keep a smile on your face or remain expressionless. You’ve heard the saying, “Never let them see you sweat.” Apply that here, but replace “sweat” with “shart.”
• Start praying that no one begins to catch a whiff or that “it” hasn’t breached your underwear defenses. If you’re underwear defenses are breached, run like hell.
• If your underwear defenses remain strong, slowly and carefully shuffle your feet with minimal movement to the nearest bathroom, closet, corner, vestibule, etc. (if accompanied by friends, discreetly ask them to form a human shield around you and walk in unison)
• Delicately peel off the top layer of clothing (dress, pants or god help you, shorts) and remove the ruined underwear in a way that minimizes spillage or spreading.
• Throw the ruined underwear away along with some of your dignity in the nearest receptacle.
• Finish going to the bathroom (only necessary for the lucky few who were able to halt flow, mid-explosion).
• Clean area with damp paper towels (and boiling water if available) and soap and dry towels. Then, repeat numerous times.
• Now you are commando, Amigo. But nobody ever has to know except you and whatever god you pray to. Walk out of the bathroom whistling and try to ignore the feeling of everyone thinking you smell like doodie. If you’ve followed these rules, all should be fine.

1. Matthew McConaughey: He can go deep in my South, figuratively speaking of course. And that hair, ohhhh…that goddamn hair. It’s a virtual lion’s mane filled with blondes, browns and other hues that only a poet laureate could properly describe. And I’m only a guy with a gun to his head, did I mention that? Anyway, It’s hard to imagine him not emerging glistening from a shower. It’s hard to not daydream about water beading up on his natural body oils as they gently roll off his perma-tan and perma-toned skin. His wife is such a lucky woman. I just hope she appreciates the symmetry of his face as much as I do.

2. Gerard Butler (But only if he gets back in 300 shape): Celebrity and dealing with a lisp has really taken a toll on his body, but since I have a gun to my head (have I mentioned there’s a gun to my head?) it doesn’t mean I can’t be honest. Chiseled jaw line, an exotic accent, rippling muscles bulging with veins… Zero Dark Thirty has nothing on this torture.

3. Colin Ferrall: Again, I’m a sucker for accents. I like them on ladies, so why not on the men, too? He’s a bad boy and I would be doing my captors a big disservice if I neglected to mention a guy with tattoos and a good old-fashioned, stereotypical Irish drinking problem. Listen, if an AK-47 was pressed up against the back of my noggin’ I would guzzle him down faster than he throws back a shot Jameson.

4. Will Arnett: Just because there’s a gun to my head doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate a good sense of humor. Also, I’m assuming we BOTH have guns to our head, and if we’re going to be forced to have sex at least we might as well be able to laugh about it later as he cracks jokes and makes a funny face or voice, while I make breakfast. He isn’t an overly handsome guy, but he is recently single, so…yeah, I don’t know where I’m going with this. Hey! I don’t tell you who to fantasize about at gunpoint!

5. Morgan Freeman: Don’t think men get better with age? Then you obviously haven’t seen Dolphin Tale in 3D. Is he really old? Yes. But as they say: Black don’t crack. Which means he still looks pretty good for a man pushing 80, and all he will probably want to do is cuddle and I could just pretend he’s Grace Jones or something while listening to that melodious tongue provide a voice-over of our night.

Hi guys. Check out this body and these breasts. I’m 50 years old and I want to come up here and act like a zany twenty something for a hot second. Thanks to Robert Downey Jr. for being an expert on nervous breakdowns and talking me through one of the man Hollywood induced, psychotic episodes actors face each day. The Golden Globes are a fun night, but I want to make the committee who picked me for this award regret their decision as they sit and watch me with their arms crossed. You are all like family to me, since my parents threw me to the film industry wolves at such a young age depriving me of a normal balanced childhood. I can’t relate to normal people any more and can only speak if it is in front of a camera or on a stage. Not to brag, but I did a lot of drugs with the various film crews I’ve worked with over my amazing career. Those people know how to party and get the good shit.

Okay, now I’m going to make it really awkward and talk about how everyone in Hollywood knows I’m gay, but I’m not going to say it directly. I’m going to dance around it and give you all a verbal middle finger so you can spend the next week writing about it on every news outlet and entertainment website. I want privacy, so I am going to talk about my most intimate details on a stage in front of my peers and the millions of people at home. That’ll show you, paparazzi. I should be wrapping up, so the show doesn’t run way late and NBC can run a preview of something after but instead I’m going to go off on a tangent now and ramble about how boring I am, thank Mel Gibson more than I should, because wink, wink, everyone but Mel, I hate him, too.

To my kids who won’t know their real dad until they’re 21, and my ex-life partner who may or may not be here tonight, I love you. I’m not retiring, but I am going to make it sound like I am or that I’m going to find a corner to curl up and die in, so you’ll never see me again. Either way chew on that, bitches. Make sure you cut away and show people crying because they see me dragging the evening out and they’ve been holding their pee in five minutes longer than they thought they would have to.

I’m really lonely. Goodnight!

Check out the real speech if you want:

It’s hard to imagine a world without Arnold making new action films, but every good book has to end sometime, even if the later chapters are horseshit. We’ll go out on a limb here and predict his new film, The Last Stand, will have a lot of jokes about “being too old for this shit.” Do yourself a favor and watch these classics and remember why you love him.

HAHAJK STAFF

MTV’s newest show follows along the same line as the 2010 feature length documentary directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman, involving a young man being filmed by his brother and friend as he builds a romantic relationship with a young woman on the social networking website Facebook that he has never met. (Spoiler Alert) She ends up being a middle-aged woman with a vibrant imagination and four kids.

The new show, looks at the stories of various people who have met online but have never met, and attempts to match their skewed expectations against the sometime harsh reality of how they really are.

It’s an interesting look at why people embellish and try to make themselves sound more appealing in an attempt to maintain a relationship with someone in the virtual world.  But is it right? Watch the show and judge for yourself. Man, dating in Tron must be tough.

Me personally, I don’t ever embellish. As far as anyone knows, I am 6’4” and look like a cross between Fabio and Hugh Jackman.

Have you ever lied about the way you look to someone you met online?

Armstrong, 41, admitted for the first time to Winfrey, that his decade-long dominance of cycling and seven wins in the Tour de France were owed, in part, to performance-enhancing drugs and oxygen-boosting blood transfusions as well as repeatedly lying about it when questioned. Think of the positive example Armstrong can now set for aspiring little liars around the world. If only there was a toy that could help them grow up to be just like him…

Well, maybe someday is sooner than we all think. Check out the Lil’ Liar Dopin’ Toy from a company we kind of made up. We think it speaks for itself:

Whatever the reason, Sasha Obama’s lion-like yawn during her dad’s inauguration has gone viral. Imagine being a kid, pretending to be the least bit interested in what the stuffy old people in suits have to say at your dad’s work functions. And kudos to her for multitasking both a yawn and supportive clapping at the same time – impressive.

Who the f*** is he kidding?

Try to keep a straight face as this cleverly cut video gem goes back and forth between an infomercial hosted by Norris for a parental television restriction program (Max Play) and clips from of some his classic, carnage-filled films. At one point, Norris cuts a man’s arm off with a car door, and karate chops away any chances of him actually being taken seriously. Make sure to watch all the way through for the priceless gem of a quote by Norris at the end. Well, it’s a good thing he acted in Expendables 2 last year, nothing violent about that film at all.

Whether he really was smoking nature’s Xanax in the now infamous evidence or not, should they really narc on an African-American and feed into a stereotype? How do we know Bieber isn’t the bad influence just like all the pretty, waif-like rich kids I went to high school with?

Don’t let those dreamy, bloodshot eyes fool you, I’ve seen them before. Most (cool) people couldn’t care less, but he’s got an image to uphold for the tweens that still adore him. All we’re saying is maybe he’s the one pressuring his pals. Maybe he’s the one with the street-cred, son!

We’d sure like him a lot better if this was true.

Watch:

Even though he was essentially a hero that managed to save the lives of 96 out of 102 passengers and crew, the shroud of alcohol covered him and made him realize it was time for a change.

Now in custody, serving out his sentences for both manslaughter and drug charges, Pentagon officials visit Whitaker to inform him of the grave danger the entire planet Earth is in. Gen. Ace Murtough reminds both the captain and the audience that dozens of flight simulators could not replicate his maneuvers — which saved everyone’s life — and that he is the only pilot that could save the planet from destruction.  Aliens have invaded Earth and plan to farm humans for food. After numerous failed attempts, military leaders of the remaining nations believe the only way to stop them is by flying a suicide mission into the mother ship (whose arrival is eminent) and detonating a 747 armed to the teeth with nuclear warheads inside the control center and, of course, there is only one man for the job. Whitaker informs the military that he is going to need a few eight-balls of cocaine and a case of Maker’s Mark if there is to be any hope for the existence of mankind.

An all-star cast joins Denzel Washington with Catherine Zeta-Jones, Bruce Willis and featuring Joaquin Phoenix as the evil alien, Gor Thumpner.

His addiction brought him to the brink, but the only problem this alcoholic has is aliens.

Follow the easy to use flow-chart below and find out which crowd you run with:

Who’s on your speed-dial? Courtney Cox or Lena Dunham?

Todays topics include:  The 2013 Oscar Nominations and Razzies, Django Unchained dolls, LAPD gun buy backs, Al Roker’s “sharting” incident, a man and his iPhone, Cancer Betting, being arrested for the drink you order and more!

Amaya Perea (Photo via TimeOut)

Brady Novak

Where Couples Therapy focuses on the trials and tribulations of celebrity partners, F*ck Buddies Therapy will center around celeb last-call-liaisons’ drunk dials and fornications. This is the right move for VH1, in the reality TV milieu, “season 2′s” or spin-off’s have to up the tacky ante. With this potential move VH1 isn’t messing around, they’re straight f******. The streaming public is ready for this inevitable step(in the wrong direction). VH1 has the courage to just say forget integrity and programming responsibility, instead of pussyfooting around it like all the other networks. VH1 is sticking it’s toe in the cesspool of garbage water TV they getting down on all fours cannonballing in ass first.

Potential Cast? We all have our dream cast members but unfortunately VH1 can’t afford real entertainment luminary’s and serial f*ck buddies like Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, or John Mayer. The folks at Nielsen Ratings would have to build a new metric machine to compute the numbers an episode of FBT featured an episode of Taylor Swift telling her F-pal to quit being a pussy and just come over. Or if John Mayer breaks the strictly-dickly code are realizes he needs more than just sex and ask his lady of the night if she wants to grab brunch tomorrow. We’re going to have to aim low here. Here is a ballot of plausible pantomimists for F*ck Buddies Therapy:

Brooke Hogan and Perez Hilton- These two follow the Nik Richie and Shayne Lamas of Couples Therapy mold. He’s a douche-bagel celebrity blogger that only a few people know, and she is the daughter of someone who was popular in the ’80′s. Since Brooke and Perez have proven they only care about the spotlight I’m sure they would have no problem living in a sham “Friends with Bens” arrangement.

Mama June- There’s a great chance Honey Boo Boo’s Mami, Mama June Shannon, follows the TLC protocol of reality show Matriarch’s, al la Kate Gosselin from Jon and Kate Plus 8 and starts making-out with randos because her fame and failing marriage allows it. Mama June also makes a great candidate because she’ll probably put her kids first(they are her meal ticket) which can make one a very unreliable F-buddy.

PSY- The “Gangnam Style” singer can get more “sexy ladies” than a blue-eye GI stationed in Seoul. He can play the “Jo-Jo” role on CT, an R&B singer who you won’t recognize a year from now. He’s committed to fame and guilt-free fondling. Though since he’s a passionate artist, he may get obsessed with a one particular gal. His late-night lover may become his muse, and she can go from friend with benefits to Yoko Oh-no girlfriend, destroying everything he comically danced for.

Doug Hutchison-Stodden and McKayla Maroney- This one is pretty obvi, sorry I’m not sorry. The 16 year old Meme Hall Of Famer, and the soon-to-probably-be-divorced 52 year old actor/Couples Therapy star, could be the shows ratings royalty. Doug is into marrying 16 year olds like his wife for now Courtney Stodden and McKayla is not impressed with other 16 year olds so these two could definitely be a “down-low” item in need of counseling.

Tucker Max- The “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” “author” could serve as the shows counselor. He recently claimed he’s out of the game , so what else is he going to do? He spent a decade convincing girls that he’s worth risking mono for so he could easily talk these fame monsters into becoming the best f*ck buddy they can be.

In closing, why the f*ck not? TV is headed this towards this erection direction. It might as well work the base and play with the viewers decency balls. Television is back to it’s Wild Wild West days. There’s the Good networks; HBO, AMC, Comedy Central, and Showtime. The Bad networks; TLC, Fox, ABC, NBC and CBS. And The Ugly networks: Style, TruTV, BET, MTV, OXYGEN, FOOD, SPIKE, SyFy, History, Lifetime, E!, Any News/Sports channel, And the fugliest one, VH1. Tune in this Fall and tune out the fall of civilization. Or just work on you sexting relationship with your emotionally unavailable ex, then maybe you two can be on F*ck Buddies Therapy Season 2!

By: Donny Rodriguez

Have you seen the movie Broken Arrow? If you have, then you know that Christian Slater saved America.  Now the country he saved has rejected his vote.  More accurately, the great state of Florida has rejected his vote in the November election.  Not cool.  Why did Florida do this?  They say it’s because his signature didn’t match his voter registration documents or some crap like that.  I’m not buying it.  Here are 5 reasons that may be the REAL reason Mr. Slater’s vote was rejected.

#1  Florida Governor is big John Travolta fan.  Slater killed Travolta in Broken Arrow.  Connect the friggen dots people.

#2  Christian Slater was in Young Guns 2.  Florida liked Young Guns 2 but didn’t love it like it did the original Young Guns.  Florida never got over that disappointment and took it’s revenge this last election.

#3  74% of Florida’s population is old people, and they didn’t approve of the title, “Pump Up the Volume.”

#4  Slater once publically dissed The Miami Sound Machine

#5  It’s Florida.

Culpo presented herself to the Las Vegas audience with crown in place, but instead of offering words of hope and encouragement for what the world is about to face, she just cried tears of joys and thanked her family.

“I think that in spite of all the tragedy that has happened in this country lately, it’s an honor to be able to uplift the country,” Culpo said backstage, referencing the shootings in Newtown, Conn. “I really hope that this will raise everybody’s spirits a little.”

Yes, everyone was hoping the Miss Universe competition was the thing that would turn everything around. Hello?!!!! There is an apocalypse coming lady and nobody even knows who you are outside the pageant world!!!!

Maybe this makes YOU feel better, but you walking with a bouquet of flowers and a tiara on your head isn’t going to bring happiness to a town that is grieving or stop the Earth from exploding in mere hours.

Why am I still typing? I should be gathering supplies and saying my goodbyes to my loved ones. Oh God! The humanity. My integrity prevents me from stopping what I am doing and finishing this piece even as I recognize that time is slipping away and it is only going to make my journey to the government space ships that more difficult.

Oh, what? You didn’t win a ticket in the secret lottery to get on board a space vessel designed to keep the human race going? Ooooooooh. Sucks for you. Guess I have what it takes. Brains and beauty, bitches! Hmmmm. Maybe beauty contest are important after all, and this was all staged before the 21^st so Miss Universe could help make the new human race all super model beautiful.

Wow. We just uncovered a conspiracy together. I’m glad I didn’t run away earlier when I mentioned it like a coward two paragraphs ago. This turned out to be a pretty great story for me. I can’t wait to meet Olivia on the ship and introduce myself. If the volcanoes and earthquakes haven’t already started as we are taking off, be sure to look up and wave. I’ll be looking down as I sip my complementary beverage and eat my two packs of peanuts.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get home and pack my cats and luggage. I live in Hollywood at 5656 Hollywood Blvd. When I’m gone take your few remaining moments to rummage through my belongings. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you that. The only way on board is with my ticket. Maybe it’s not safe to go home now. Well, I don’t have time to go back and delete that, so I’ll just have to hope you guys understand fair is fair.

Good luck, and please don’t try and take my ticket from me.

Her first two albums were about love and loss, so maybe her third will be about her new child and this latest snafu. Adele gave birth to her first child 51 days ago on October 19 but did not register her son with father, Simon Konecki within the legal 42-day limit, so is now facing a $2000 fine.

Is she trying to hurt us on purpose? Look lady, we aren’t like all the other guys, you can trust us. Shhhhhhhh. We love you, we swear! Just tell us what this kid’s name is already! Hell, we’ll all pitch in and pay the fine if you just tell us!!! What reason could the couple have for failing to register the name and telling the world? What’s the big deal? Is she planning to sell it? Does she think it’s like a pet goldfish and feels like a name is a death warrant? We need answers and we need that baby to have a name. Flip a coin and do us all a favor by sticking a label on that kid. It’s not fair. How about this: keep all the baby pictures of the kid for yourself, but at least give the kid a Twitter handle.

Find out what your celebrity baby’s name should be with this helpful chart:

Evidently, back in ’06 Scott Stapp was in a pretty bad way. Years of hard rocking combined with the residual guilt from having unleashed Creed upon the world had finally caught up with him, and he had turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. One night, while in a particularly impaired state, Stapp’s hallucinations led him to believe he was being chased, and caused him to climb over the railing of his 16^th floor hotel balcony in an attempt to lower himself onto the balcony below. Only instead of slowly lowering himself, he fell about forty feet and landed on his idiot head.

Stapp lay there for two hours before he was finally discovered and an ambulance was called, and the man he credits with saving his life… T.I.

Yes, the person who finally stumbled upon the Creed singer’s battered body was none other than the multi-platinum rapper and reality star. So, does saving Scott Stapp’s life make T.I. a hero? Well, I guess that depends on how you feel about Scott Stapp. But it definitely makes for an interesting story.

Even more interesting perhaps, is that it isn’t the only story of its kind. Here are three more cases of famous guardian angels you may not have heard about:

1979 - During his down time between seasons of the popular television show ‘Chips,’ Erik Estrada takes a trip south of the border to unwind in Tijuana, Mexico. When his buddies head back to the hotel, Estrada elects to stay behind to take in a late night donkey show. At 4am, Estrada stumbles out drunk and fully aroused, when a mugger corners him with a knife. It is only by pure happenstance that ‘Happy Days’ star Henry Winkler is walking out of the cantina across the street at that very moment. The Fonz springs into action, smashing his 48 oz. souvenir margarita glass over the attacker’s head and knocking him out cold.

1993 - While playing an early morning round of golf at the Beverly Hills Country Club, acclaimed actor Forest Whitaker hears a mysterious groaning coming from a bunker off the 16^th green. Walking down the steep hillside, he discovers a dazed and disoriented Vanilla Ice lying in his own dried blood in the powdery, white sand. Having played a late solo round the night before, Vanilla had apparently been struck in the head by an errant golf ball and went undiscovered for 11 hours until Whitaker threw his limp body over his shoulders, and walked him all the way back to the clubhouse.

2001 - On a late night excursion to a west Los Angeles In N’ Out burger, Missy Elliot notices a sweaty, lone man in the corner who seems to be struggling to breath. The rapper runs to his aid, administering the Heimlich maneuver and dislodging a massive and otherwise deadly chunk of burger from his gullet. That man… Emeril Lagasse

By: TK Kelly

1) The babes from the Carl’s Jr. commercials who eat the new Memphis BBQ burger in slow-motion—(Note: This is actually a costume for a two people.) It’s not the meat between your buns that’s making the boys salivate.  Or maybe it is.

The how-to:  Recruit an equally hot friend who’s not afraid to get a little saucy. Because eating these enormous burgers will probably make you hot enough to work up a sweat, you only need to wear either an American flag bikini top or cropped gingham shirt tied up high. Both of you should be in cut-off jean shorts that are tiny enough to give everyone an ass-cheek peek. You want to look like farm girls who get confused when you ask them if carrots are root vegetables. On the way to the Halloween bash, hit a Carl’s Jr. drive-thru and order two Memphis BBQ burgers. Then, when you get to the party, lounge side-by-side on a couch, interlock arms and basically, make out with your burger. Go ahead, slip it the tongue. Caress its sesame seeds. Toss your hair a lot, too. Those burgers are good. Real good.

Who you’ll attract: Frat boys, guys who like pulled pork, and other costumed duos—like the Super Mario Brothers

Bonus:  If you have matching vapid looks in your eyes AND you can drip barbecue sauce in your own cleavage.

2) Kate Middleton sunbathing topless—This practically effortless costume is sure to snag you a prince…or maybe a guy dressed as Prince.

The how-to:  All you need is a tiara, sunglasses, bikini bottoms and sandals. (If you’re a blonde or redhead, you’ll need a long brunette wig, as well.) You could also carry around a tube of SPF for added effect. Who knows?  The questionably straight guy dressed as Honey Boo Boo might offer to rub some on you. See? You feel like a princess already.

Who you’ll attract: Brits, metrosexuals, and probably a few d-bags

Bonus: Speak with a British accent all night.

3) Hurricane Sandy Victim—You’re wet and most of your clothes blew off. And everyone wants to *ahem* console you.  You will be fighting the werewolves, vampires and ninjas off with a wayward tree branch. You’re welcome.

The how-to:  All you need is a sarong, bikini top and beach wrap or just a towel.  Carry a beach tote and a plastic cocktail glass in your hand, as if you were having the time of your life until old Sandy swooped in and rained on your parade. Wet your hair and put pomade in it so stays looking wet. If you live near palm trees, take a few leaves and strategically place them in your hair. Then, douse the rest of your body with a water bottle. In case you haven’t guessed by now, you are drenched. You were assaulted by a torrential downpour that nearly destroyed you. Yet oddly, you still look hot—probably because you are wearing minimal clothing.

Who you’ll attract: Amateur storm-watchers, stoners who are confused by how you got wet when it wasn’t raining outside

Bonus: Carry an open umbrella.

4) Pregnant Gloria (Sofia Vergara) from Modern Family, in denial over her wardrobe malfunction—Never underestimate the power of a pregnant belly and plump tetas.  Plus, you know what they say about a woman with a bun in the oven: She puts out.

The how-to:  For a natural looking baby bump, drink a lot of beer and eat salted pistachios in the days leading up to the party. Instant bloating! Or, just lean back and push your stomach as far out as you can. To emulate pregnant Gloria, don a heavily-padded black bra, black pants, a red necklace, red purse and an unbuttoned super-tight sweater that looks like it caved under the pressure of your big, pregnant belly. Appear shocked at your mishap. Say, “Mierda!” a lot.

Who you’ll attract: Hombres, pregnancy fetishists, strangers who want to know where they can find a late-night taco truck

Bonus: Find a chubby 13-year-old Mexican boy to accompany you to the party.

By: Michelle Spencer