The Drink of the week was Kahlua mudslides. We all enjoyed the chocolatey goodness, and agree that this is the king of booze that doesn’t taste like booze.

All this and much much more on this fun filled Episode 9 of Me and Jew with wonderful Michael Somerville.

Right off the bat Bryant is filled with envy that Kevin is not only a great stand up comedian, but also a great Visual Artist. Crystal and Bryant are in agreement that Kevin is a triple threat when it comes to ladies, being funny, talented, and American!

The Drink of the week is MD 20/20, and its fruity delightful flavor is a win for Crystal.

All this and much much more on Episode 8 of Me and Jew with the great Kevin Christy

Not Live and Fully Pre recorded from the HahaJk studios.

Me (Crystal Angel) & Jew (Bryant Kreaden) welcome one American; Zak Penn, Super Hollywood Writer; One Brit, Ryan Cartwright Actor Funny man, writer extraordinaire; and one mostly Canadian Actor Warren Christie. All of our guest worked to together on the SYFY networks hit series Alphas.

In this episode we find out that Crystal is slightly disappointed that Warren Christie does not have an Irish accent despite him being born in Ireland.

We lean that once again Bryant (Jew) still cannot understand the basic premise of most TV Shows. In this case Zak schools him that Alphas is NOT about super humans.

Zak goes on to give us real insight as to why TV is becoming a more interesting place to work for writers. Zak also gave us advise on why the Me and Jew Movie is going to fail.

Zak and Ryan also give us a taste of their upcoming show on FX. They both explain some of the process of creating, pitching and selling a show to a network

The drink of the week is Night Train Express. Bryant is convinced it tastes a little like his childhood cough syrup, and he maybe right as it does say serve “VERY COLD”. Most of the adults in the room enjoy our good old friend Stella back on the show for another appearance.

All this and much much more on Me and Jew Episode 7.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1183865/?ref_=sr_1

Me (Crystal Angel) & Jew (Bryant Kreaden) finally welcome an American as our guest, to the studio. Sarah Michael Novia is a licensed psychotherapist and one of the cast members of VH1’s Couples Therpy. Sarah gets right to work on the dysfunction relationship of Crystal (Me) and Bryant ( Jew), To make things more interesting we also brought in our Friend Mark Turner to discuss his recent adventures in online dating.

Once again Crystal is amazed that Sarah is another person who is as Social Media challenged as Bryant (Jew)

The drinks of the week are Wyder’s Hard Cider and Jack Daniels Watermelon Spike. To everyones surprise the drinks are quite refreshing.

Join in for the Freudian fun on this special look into the minds of Me and Jew.

Sarah’s Blog on Dating

http://dutchbydefault.tumblr.com/

Bio from VH1
http://www.vh1.com/shows/couples_therapy/cast_member.jhtml?personalityId=15308#moreinfo

10) Lane Pryce rocks a fantastic print mixed combo of jacket, vest, tie, and pocket square like a pro:

9) Joan Harris knows how to flatter her curves:

8) The men of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce pull of various plaids:

7) Michael Ginsberg (played by Feldman) shows off some seersucker:

6) Megan Draper rocks statement makeup as she sings “zou bisou bisou”:

5) Peggy Olson keeps it classic in navy and pearls:

4) Trudy Campbell goes frilly:

3) Roger Sterling, dapper as always:

2) Ice queen Betty Draper dresses in ice blue:

1) Of course, Don Draper takes top spot, suave even at the beach:

10) Lil Wayne vs Lion King

9) Project Pat vs The Jungle Book

8) Kanye West and E-40 vs Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

7) Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg vs The Transformers

6) Eminem vs Spongebob

5) Soulja Boy vs Barney

4) Lil’ Jon vs Lazy Town

3) Afroman vs Bert vs Ernie

2) Three 6 Mafia vs Alice in Wonderland

1) Junior M.A.F.I.A. vs Destro and the Baroness

Below are our top 10 favorite movie scenes from one of the greatest comedians of all time.

HAHAJK’s Top 10 Favorite Jim Carrey Movie Scenes:

10) “Me, Myself, and Irene”- Cow Choking Scene

9) “Liar Liar”- Car Trouble Scene

8) “Ace Ventura-When Nature Calls”- Rhino Birth Scene

7) “Cable Guy”- Basketball Scene

6) “Ace Ventura-Pet Detective”- Delivery Guy (Opening Scene)

5) “Dumb and Dumber”- G’Day Mate!

4) “Ace Ventura-Pet Detective”- Crime Solving Scene (I have exorcised the demons!)

3) “Dumb and Dumber”- Most Annoying Sound in the World

2) “Ace Ventura-Pet Detective”- Mental Hospital Scene

1) “Dumb and Dumber”- Diner Scene (Kick His Ass Seabass!)

10) The Big Lebowski

9) The Princess Bride

8) Casablanca

7) Fight Club

6) Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

5) Breakfast at Tiffany’s

4) Ghostbusters

3) Titanic

2) Back to the Future

1) Mean Girls

Almost live and fully prerecorded at the Haha,jk studios on the sunset strip. This week Me ( Crystal Angel) & Jew ( Bryant Kreaden) welcome the super funny & accomplished Reality TV Producer, Rob Worsoff. Right off the bat Rob gets down to business educating us all, on production call times, Kurt Vonnegut, and his scientific breakdown of why Tool is the greatest Rock n Roll band of all time.

We also learned that the Jew was a little to over zealous about his preparation, which lead to the Jew completely forgetting his rant. Also despite Bryant’s enthusiasm for the term of endearment of “Rabbi Rob”, Rob prefers other nicknames.

Crystal does her best, to keep the show from descending into total mayhem. Considering she was dealing with two pop culture obsessed Montreal Jewish extroverts, this was no easy task.

The one area of that everyone agrees on is that Anne Hathaway is the most annoying person in Hollywood.

The drink of the week is Parrot Bay Pina Colada. The Jews ,pizza torture tested taste buds, were pleasantly surprised, and he certainly does like Pina Colada and getting caught in the rain. Rob and Crystal seem to be enjoying the Don Julio Tequila with some Vodka to spare.

All this and much more. Enjoy the sublime sounds of Return of Rob Worsoff, no longer the Rabbi but the Professor of TV, Smarts and fun.

Brett’s second guest Mikey Roe joins him in the studio to talk about his new show on the Travel Channel, “Feed the Beast”, which premiered last week.  He shares behind-the-scenes stories about traveling the country to different cities and finding the best late-night eats.  He also tells some interesting anecdotes, including spending one fateful New Year’s Eve with O.J. Simpson. Tune in to “Feed the Beast” every Wednesday night at 11pm on the Travel Channel.
 

Wondering about other crazy demands musicians have asked for in their dressing rooms and at the venue before a concert? These are no easy riders.

Check a few out:

Van Halen: The now infamous “No brown M&M’s” clause seemed crazy even for the ’80s, but that was classic Van Halen. Was David Lee Roth scared of earth tones? The story goes that the band thinks if there are brown M&M’s in the dressing room, it’s an indication that the rock concert promoter didn’t read their rider thoroughly and other more technical details might also have been missed. Sneaky.

Justin Bieber: The Biebs has been selling out stadiums and arenas since he was just 16-years-old (only three years ago, but still), so it seems fair that he has his own set of silly demands as outlined in his 2010 backstage rider, which included a bowl of Swedish Fish for U.S. tours and Big Foots for shows in his native Canada. Bieber is also a fan of his white tees, requesting all dressing rooms throughout his tour be stocked with an assortment of plain white T-shirts. Variety is not his strong suit.

Jennifer Lopez: With a booty like hers, we’re surprised she doesn’t ask for its own zip code. J. Lo is well known in the music industry for being super needy. A 2001 backstage rider included a minimum 40-foot trailer with triple side-outs and two entry doors. She also required an all-white dressing room, including white flowers, tables, tablecloths, drapes, candles, couches and drugs (we think).

Prince: Prince may be an enigma, but he has slept with more women than the amount of people you know. The Artist Formerly Known as Demanding had a rider on his 2004 Musicology tour that included some real WTFs on it. Some of the more far-out requests included a doctor to be on call on show days to administer backstage B12 injections and for tables to be set up at all venue entry points for the “collection of gifts and flowers” from adoring fans.

LL Cool J: Do what he says or he’ll knock you out. No joke. The recent Grammy host apparently has the tastes of a six-year-old, with requests like “Spaghetti Tuesdays,” “Beef Wednesdays” and “Tex-Mex Thursdays.” Don’t think all that heavy food will slow down his game? Not a chance. All he needs is 24 long-stem roses and a small bottle of Johnson & Johnson baby oil to get a lady in the mood.

Mötley Crüe: Chances are, if you’re throwing TVs out of hotel room windows and trashing motels across the country, your rider has some pretty sick shit in it. Back in the day, these animals would ask for a jar of creamy peanut butter, a schedule for local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a submachine gun, a 12-foot-long boa constrictor and, oddly enough, a jar of Grey Poupon mustard. So refined.

Marilyn Manson: He’s just like you and me, except, he likes to wear face makeup and zombie eye contact lenses. There are two items always included in his backstage rider: Haribo brand gummy bears (they must be Haribo or he’ll go Anti-Christ Superstar and whip you) and a bald-headed, toothless hooker to help him wind down. (We are totally serious.)Being a Goth-clown is stressful.

Cher: Forget Elton John’s hotel room for his glasses, have you seen Cher’s wig room? Sadly, the aging Cher demands a separate room for her hairpieces.

Iggy Pop and the Stooges: These dudes may have the most vibrant imagination or the best drugs in show biz. A previous rider included an incoherent yet epic 18-page manifesto asking for everything from seven dwarfs dressed up as the characters in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, to a Bob Hope impersonator to perform jokes about “golf and Hollywood and Bing Crosby.” They were flexible, of course, with the dwarves, saying taller people were acceptable because “it’s attitude, more than altitude, that’s important here.”

Photo Credits: Shutterstock

For the final hour of the episode, Brett and Johnny are joined by Mario Mendias, the creator and founder of My Fit Foods (“Eat Fit, Live Fit”). Brett and Johnny have both been on the meal plan program for the last two months and highly recommend it. They talk to Mario about everything you could ever want to know about My Fit Foods, which provides pre-cooked, gluten-free, healthy meals and snacks. Mario shares the story of how he started the company in his apartment kitchen in Texas and turned it into 75 stores across the country, and he reveals where the next stores will be opening soon.

Johnny Messner is “On The List”

Me (Crystal Angel) & Jew (Bryant Kreaden) welcome more Canadians to the studio. Comedian, Writers, Actors, Musicians and overall nut jobs Nic Wright & James A Woods.

Things go from zero to insanity faster then a speeding bullet. We now understand why the National Posts called Me&Jew “Frank and Freewheeling”. The “Frank” part in this case is all Crystal (Me) as she try’s to reign in the the guests as well as Bryant (Jew) who in this case takes “Freewheeling” to a new level.

James and Bryant (Jew) right away get out of control with their Quebecois accents which most would agree went on a for some time. Conversely everyone in studio loves Crystals (Me) amazing Russian accent. On the topic of Russia, Bryant (Jew)explains the deal with all those Russian dash cams that caught the bulk of the video footage of the recent meteor shower.

We find out that our guests, Nic & James are both not involved with social media at all, much to the horror of Crystal (Me). This brings much joy to Bryant (Jew), knowing that he has finally found someone with less social media skills then him, aside from his parents.

Along the way Crystal & Bryant keep the fun going and they manages to get some great conversation about life, work, and some serious matters. Although the serious matters only last a few moments.

The Drink of the week was chosen with our canadian guests in mind.

“La Fin du Monde beer”. We find out why it translates in english to “the end of the world”; 9+ Percent of alcohol can lead to the end of the world! On top of that we uncover that Labbatt Blue is really the drink of Quebec and that La Fin Du Monde is just sent to america to make people loose their minds.

All this and much much more on episode 4, join in on the fun with Nic Wright and James L Woods

Rain Man

Die Hard

Bull Durham

Big

Working Girl

The Naked Gun

Midnight Run

Eight Men Out

Beetlejuice

Biloxi Blues

Check it out plus a few of our other favorites:

Die Antwoord’s “Fatty Boom Boom” Starring Lady Gaga

Dr. Dre’s “Dre Day” Starring Easy E

2Pac’s “Hit ‘Em Up” Starring Notorious B.I.G.

Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady” Starring Tommy Lee Jones, Pam Anderson, Britney Spears and ‘N Sync

Click on the actor’s name to see the truth revealed:

Tom Cruise

Matthew McConaughey

Jeremy Piven

Ben Affleck

Brad Pitt

Charlie Sheen

Jon Cryer

David Spade

Joel McHale

Sean Penn

The Obvious Ones

Nic Cage

Donald Trump

Al Pacino

John Travolta

Whether you think he is crazy, obnoxious or both, you can’t deny that he just keeps keeping on, bouncing back from financial ruin and remaining a prominent public figure and in the spotlight. A savvy celebrity move from the Rodman.

Wurstküche
Okay, we know that sausages aren’t technically hot dogs, but the reverse is true and that is good enough for us. This place is amazing from the décor to the drinks, and I’ve never heard of someone that was unhappy after a visit. The Belgian fries, wide selection of Belgian beer, and exotic sausages ranging from rabbit and rattlesnake to vegan and vegetarian links are all very good reasons to try this spot with locations in Venice and Downtown.

The Stand
With all sorts of different dogs from around the country, The Stand allows you to either build your own or choose from classic favorites. You can feel like you are eating off a street cart with a Downtown L.A. Dog wrapped in bacon and onions, or you can get their version of the Chicago Dog. The hot dogs they use are pretty tasty, and they know how to handle your buns. With three locations around the city, it is definitely worth a stop.

QT’s Chicago Style Hot Dog
If you’ve been to Chicago, you can attest to the deliciousness of Vienna Beef hot dogs. QT’s is half liquor store, half hot dog stand, and is loaded with tasty Chicago classics like the Italian beef, the Polish sausage and of course, the signature dog. From the celery salt to the poppy seed bun, they are the best place to have a hot dog and feel like you are in a neighborhood joint somewhere on the north side of the Windy City. They serve their fries in baskets, and the tables have the familiar yellow and red squeeze bottles to drown your fries in ketchup and mustard. Remember to keep the ketchup as far away from that dog as possible, or just hope a Midwest native doesn’t see it.

Carney’s
It’s hard not to like this place. Their locations are made out of old, yellow trains; I mean, how cool is that? With burgers, sandwiches and even tacos that are pretty good, this place has all the comfort food you’ve been craving and they cook a great processed beef link. While they don’t do Chicago style dogs justice, they have really tasty options in many different varieties (mild, spicy, etc.) that satisfy your belly-itch that needs scratching. You may even run into Jay Leno, who swears it’s his favorite place to pig out. Just make sure you don’t get so full you can’t jump out of the way when he tears off down Sunset or Ventura (their two locations) in one of his many antique cars.

Uncle Ced’s
Who knew a tiny street cart could pack in so much good stuff? Hanging out down by the 405 and 10 interchange isn’t normally something we’d recommend, but Uncle Ced has a good thing going. His Spicy Polish is legendary, and his hot dogs are top notch. This may sound sketchy, but make sure you look around for his cart near the Best Buy parking lot, it’s totally worth it.

Take a look at some of the famous guys and gals you may or may not have realized allegedly had rhinoplasty, which by the way, we hear is pretty painful so just be happy with the way you look. Unless you have the money of course, go and fix that shit!

Charlie Sheen, Robert Pattinson, Patrick Dempsey, Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, Beyonce, Paula Abdul and more all may have gotten chopped.

You make the call…

Paris Hilton

For some reason, multiple people throughout the years have mentioned Paris’ Valtrex prescription, so that plus everything else we already know about her pretty much confirms she’s been on the dating scene for way too long. Since she’s not really famous anymore, why wouldn’t she finally want to settle down with her current boy-toy and finally upstage Kim Kardashian for once?

George Clooney

The most distinguished man in Hollywood has been famously single for decades. After a starter marriage left him disillusioned to the concept of a marital union, it seems as if ex-wrestler and current nobody-knows-what-she-does, Stacey Keibler, may have permanently stuck her manicured claws into everyone’s favorite leading man. And even though we love living vicariously through George, he’s getting up there in age and the dapper, older actor bit tends to turn sour and pathetic like Jack Nicholson at the Oscars this year.

Leonardo DiCaprio

The only reason we’d like to see Leo get engaged and settle down is so he stops making every man in the world jealous with his constant consumption of the world’s best looking models. Honestly, it’s enough already. How different can they all be? Just choose one and end it already!

Tom Cruise

The only thing better than Tom jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch in engagement excitement is the article that follows years later about how said excitement was fake because he actually interviews women before settling on a candidate to marry. No one would complain about another Vanity Fair article exposing the freakish behavior of Tom – a man who believes humans are the descendents of aliens.

Photo Credits: Startraks

Watch:

If you liked that, then you’ll love this too:

If you love the scene in Office Space where the guys go medieval on a printer’s ass (do they have one?), then you’ll love this:

Here is the original for frame of reference:

Sick of Gangnam Style Parodies? Well, This one isn’t like any other. Shooting zombies is fun when you can make them dance:

What’s better than zombies and legos? How about zombies made of legos? Here’s The Mocking Dead:

Try another Lego Walking Dead spoof:

Other Recent “Slips”

Miley Cyrus

Joan Jett

Kendra Wilkinson

Kate Moss

Courtney Love

Doutzen Kroes

We think you’ll enjoy it, too.

Check them out:

http://imgur.com/a/9VdIW

Best Salad Over $20
If you’re spending a lot of money on lettuce, it’s all about what bowl you’re sitting in.

The McCarthy at The Polo Lounge – L.A.’s original chopped salad

The Grill Cobb at The Grill on the Alley – A lunchtime must, if you can actually get a table

Grilled Fresh Vegetable Salad at The Ivy – The only negative: TMZ tourist vans

Best Burger Over $15
Fast food drive-throughs are strictly forbidden within Beverly Hills city limits (seriously, they’re not allowed, too many poor and/or ugly people use them) so there are no opportunities for ordering off dollar-value menus.

Comme Ça – One of the most towering patties, topped with homemade mayo-drenched lettuce

The Palm – When steak and/or lobster sound a little too delightful at 1 p.m.

Wolfgang’s Steakhouse – If the porterhouse is the city’s best (which it is), it’s safe to assume they’re talented with beef

Best Bread Basket
The Atkins diet is in every Tesla’s and Range Rover’s rearview mirror. We’re literally breaking bread again.

Mastro’s – A fresh, hot assortment of pretzel, sourdough and garlic toast are meal-worthy on their own

Scarpetta – Meat is involved, which is very rare and very good

Bouchon – There’s a world-renowned bakery on the premises, that’s all you need to know

Best Off-The-Menu Items
When sitting at the best table in the right restaurant isn’t impressive enough.

Soho House’s Eton Mess – This whipped cream, meringue dessert gives Soho’s cookies (the best cookies in the city) a run for their money

Apple Pan’s Tuna Melt - The tuna is almost as good as the burgers, but only gets better with cheese

Craig’s Chocolate Pizza – In a city not known for pizza, this warm, chocolate-covered dough saucer with a bull’s-eye of vanilla ice cream holds its own.

Other Bests
Best Baked Crab Hand Roll: Sushi Park, Katsu-ya, Yu-N-Mi
Best French Fries: The Tower Bar, Wolfgang Puck at Hotel Bel-Air, Tavern
Best Pizza: Pizzeria Mozza, Ago, Spago
Best Dover Sole: Giorgio Baldi, Capo, Madeo
Best Diet Coke (proper syrup to soda water ratio): La Scala, Dan Tana’s, Xi’an

In a League of Their Own
Mr. Chow’s Chicken Satay, Cut’s Wagyu, Nate ‘n Al’s Matzo Ball Soup

Some of our favorites…

We wish her the best.

Photo Credits: Startraks

As we’ve discussed in past articles, when it comes to celebrity and fame, wearing outlandish outfits in public (see: Lady Gaga, Cher) can and will often keep you in the sights of the paparazzi, raising demand for your image. But, taking your shirt off when returning to a hotel you know photographers have been staking out is next level fame-conscience. Now, maybe on his way home a pack of sexually-starved British girls ripped his clothes to shreds or maybe he threw his shirt to some fan in a wheel chair or with some other handicapped person where you’d feel compelled to strip for them, but we like to think Bieber is just being Bieber – a celebrity at the top of his fame game.

Photo Credits: FameFlynet

Ben Gleib is “On The List”

It is funny, though.

HAHAJK.com’s weekly news wrap-up is back again with two more amazing comedian guests. Hosts Tony Sam (HAHAJK.com Editor/Writer, Attack of the Show) and Kurtis Rintala (HAHAJK.com, NBC’s Friends) are joined by actor/comedians Barry Rothbart (The Tonight Show, Conan, Scorsese’s upcoming The Wolf of Wall Street) and Grant Lyon (Interview Date, Bumbershoot Music and Comedy Festival).

Todays topics include:  The last day of the Pope, Gay Marriage, Pen cameras, Credit Card Debt, The Government, The Onion’s apology, A great fight story and more!

Word of a hundred-million-dollar Britney Spears project in Las Vegas has been in the rumor pipeline for months now, but first up in Sin City is CeeLo Green, rapper turned weird singer turned reality TV judge, who will rake in the chips with what Planet Hollywood describes as: a truly unique new Las Vegas concert show designed exclusively for Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino [which] will be an electrifying journey into the world of CeeLo’s brainchild, “LOBERACE,” playing off the Las Vegas entertainment icon, Liberace.

Liberace is VERY hot right now with Steven Soderbergh directing a movie based on the eccentric entertainer for HBO starring Matt Damon and Michael Douglas, so why not a live Vegas show with a fat black guy? Why not.

Photo Credits: FameFlynet

Why the hell is this guy so determined to clean his mouth?

You’re just going to have to find out.

Think we’re kidding? Check out these other celebrity “flipping the bird” styles and try one out next time someone pisses you off. You’ll look cooler, we promise.

The Slash Smile Bird

The Kristen Stewart Crazy Bird

The Jessica Alba Sunglass Bird

The Conan O’Brien Kid Bird

The Jack Black Double Bird

The Robert De Niro Sky-High Bird

The Ben Affleck Beard Bird

The Bobby Brown Side Boob Bird

The Ashton Kutcher Weird Outfit Bird

The Brad Pitt Motorcycle Bird

The Kim Kardashian Louis Vutton Bag Bird

The Madonna Disgusting Arm Veins Double Bird

The Keanu Reeves Helmet Bird

The Heath Ledger Subtitles Bird

But we love paparazzi photos and we’ll never see them together again, so take a stroll down memory lane, and then move on. A woman who was married to Heath Ledger was never going to settle with a Muppet-loving giant. Though she really should’ve tried to, Jason makes a lot of money on that CBS show.

Anyways, the end.

Photo Credits: FameFlynet

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Thank you, Jackass.

At first glance, questions arise: “How the f*ck do you say that?” or “What the hell kind of name is that?”. Before you get bent out of shape about it, relax, take a moment to remember your own boring name and think about how cool it would be to have a name that not only intimidates other upon sight, but also one that implies your parents are cool and cultured.

Have there been other names of Hollywood celebrities that were as equally intimidating? Sure. Try, M. Night Shyamalan, Joaquin Phoenix, Noomi Rapace, Peter Serafinowicz, Saoirse Ronan, or Gabourey Sidibe. Come up with your own pronunciation and you come off as an ignorant jerk. This is your opportunity to look like you are more worldly than everyone around you, don’t blow it.

If you haven’t seen Beasts of The Southern Wild, you should…and you should probably learn how to pronounce her name, you’re going to be hearing it a lot in the future (Quvenzhané was just cast in Sony’s remake of Annie).

According to Vulture, it’s Kwe-VEN-zhah-nay.

Entertainment Weekly claims Kwah-VAHN-Jah-Nay.

Roger Ebert says Kwa-van-je-nay.

Let’s just hear her say it and then spread the word:

This is truly Oscar gold.

Check out our other favorite Oscar acceptance speeches:

Roberto Benigni

Jack Palance

Trust us.

Photo Credit: Fameflynet

Thank you! As a black person, I feel indebted to congratulate your focused, hard work in combating racial stereotypes and opening your home and hearts to all the beautiful, chocolate sunrays of the world. Adoption is a wondrous thing, and whether you specifically wanted a black child or were “happy with anything,” I applaud you on this big step in your life. I only have one tip for you: Learn to deal with our fucking hair, please.

It’s a precious sight to see an adoptive family toting around its multiculturalism as if it’s Epcot with feet. But, if I see another photo of some celebrity destroying their black child’s hair, I’m going to explode. Having black hair is both a blessing and a curse, and it’s a major rite of passage for us to learn and develop our style. All black girls have gone through the braids, the hot comb, the twists, the au naturale afro and the bad attempt at a weave. All of the brothas can probably still remember their first time they went to the barbershop and when their mamas first combed out their hair and braided it in the living room.

When I was six, my mom dropped me off at the hair salon where I was surrounded by dozens of people gossiping, working, washing, curling and chilling. Three hours later, when my mom returned to pick me up, it was like magic: My hair wasn’t just finally manageable, it was looking good.

This is how it works. Black parents know their shit. And if they don’t know their shit, they take their children to black hair salons where people do know their shit. I’m sorry, but Frederic or Vidal or whatever the fuck his name is isn’t going to know how to deal with the kinks in Zahara’s hair, Angelina. I know it can be frustrating, I know that it’s not like the silky Barbie hair that Shiloh is blessed with. And, Madonna, I know you thought you had it covered because you’re Jewish now and you think you can deal with thick, curly hair better than others, but you can’t.

There are many things to learn before you become a parent. But trust me, this is the most important one.

Sincerely,
A helpful black girl

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Calm down, Liz, YouTuber, Kevin Gisi was so mad he either rushed to research all the movies featuring famous wangs or already had a working knowledge of the subject (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and came to your defense. Whatever the sources are, his parody “We Saw Your Junk” is clever and even well sung. Kevin Bacon, Jason Segel, Jason Statham, and Ewan McGregor are all featured, but no mention of Seth MacFarlane. We feel shorted. Nothing like a song about ding-dongs to balance out one highlighting breasts though.

Now look at more JWOWW:

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Tara, honey, if you want your career back, start appearing in paparazzi zones without the two biggest donkeys visiting the greater Los Angeles area. Just a thought.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Photos Credit: The Kitten Covers/Tumblr

Check out why Jack can’t help himself:

Phot Credit: FameFlynet

Here, we present what everyone at The Dolby Theater saw last night, with a few added touches of course.

But today, the day after the most fashionable night of the year, we’re here to talk about beards. Specifically, the beards at last night’s Academy Awards, and there were plenty on the red carpet. They are a man’s most hunky of accessories. As a female, I am beardly challenged, and no complaints there, but as an avid facial hair enthusiast, here are some of the beard highlights of the 2013 Oscars:

Ben Affleck
We’ve come to expect the Affleck beard as of late, and of course it delivered again. It even has its own Twitter account. So, now that he’s won Best Picture, we can assume Affleck will write a bearded character into any new film projects.

Hugh Jackman
Jackman has been quietly increasing his facial hair momentum as the awards shows move forward, and at the Oscars, it reached maximum capacity. He’s about an award show and a half from Duck Dynasty level beard-dom.

Joaquin Phoenix
Constantly in the shadow of his arguably more talented dead bro, he was sporting a grumpy-pants-probably-not-gonna-win-and-I-don’t-care-if-I-do-beard. Dude was not pleased.

Tommy Lee Jones
I had gotten used to Tommy Lee Jones’ Colonel Sanders look and surly demeanor and last night, he ditched them both, sporting a full on, non-chicken related beard and actually smiling. Way to go, Tommy, I approve.

Jean Dujardin
Last year’s smooth-skinned best actor even sported the trend. It must be why we haven’t seen much of him this year; he’s been too busy growing his facial hair, obviously.

Bradley Cooper
The Brad-meister sported a slicked-back douche-do with his beard. The greasy look paired with the 5 o’clock shadow is just… ugh. Can we stop talking about Bradley Cooper now?

George Clooney
Gandalf Clooney might be sporting a date half his age, but he’s not fooling anyone. He must have been jealous of fellow Argo producer Ben’s growing beard popularity. Georgie-boy was also sporting the recent Timberlake bouffant hair trend. Seriously Cloonz, stop copying. You’re a grown man. And your beard is grey. Who am I kidding? He’s still hot.

Paul Rudd
I’m not quite sure what Paul and Melissa McCarthy were doing on stage while presenting the award for Best Animated Short Film and Best Animated Feature Film, but it didn’t matter because that face fur was top notch.

Photo Credit: Various

Crystal shows us that the LAPD has lightened up since the Chris Dorner situation. We bet she impressed an LAPD officer with her smile and not her driving style. She describes how she greatly appreciated the cat calls and whistles on her recent drive all the way from the deep valley to Hollywood.

This weeks rant, The Jew tries to make a rational thought about the Carnival Cruise line triumph and its failed voyage.  It becomes clear that his thoughts go about as far as the Triumph did after its engines caught on fire. We can all agree that both were disasters.

The drink experiment of the week is Mike’s Hard Cranberry Lemonade, which goes over like a lead ballon. The two also compare Kaliber non-alcoholic beer vs the sublimely italian, Perroni.

We are all praying that Stroumboulopoulos’s lawyers do not put a gag order on this episode. Enjoy all that is Me and Jew # 3 aka The George Strombo Experiment.

Express yourself through DD-L:

And the winners are…

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role: Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained

Best Animated Short Film: Paperman

Best Animated Feature Film: Brave

Achievement in Cinematography: Life of Pi, Claudio Miranda

Achievement in Visual Effects: Life of Pi

Achievement in Costume Design: Anna Karenina, Jacqueline Durran

Achievement in Makeup & Hairstyling: Les Misérables

Best Live-Action Short Film: Curfew

Best Documentary Short Subject: Inocente

Best Documentary Feature: Searching for Sugar Man

Best Foreign-Language Film: Amour (Austria)

Achievement in Sound Mixing: Les Misérables

Achievement in Sound Editing: Zero Dark Thirty & Skyfall

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role: Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables

Achievement in Film Editing: Argo

Achievement in Production Direction: Lincoln

Original Score: Life of Pi, Mychael Danna

Original Song: “Skyfall,” Adele Adkins & Paul Epworth, Skyfall

Adapted Screenplay: Argo, Chris Terrio

Original Screenplay: Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino

Achievement in Directing: Ang Lee, Life of Pi

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook

Best Motion Picture: Argo

HAHAJK presents to you the next big thing(s), the next household name in modeling: Genevieve Morton.

Photo Credit: Fameflynet

Last year’s awards were beyond boring. The Artist, a movie in which nobody says anything, won everything. Jean Valjeandujardin-whatever was all charismatic, Meryl Streep added to her pile of awards, the mutant creature that ate Billy Crystal hosted, blah, blah, blah. Hopefully this years Academy A-bor-e-wards might be little bit livelier than the previous 84 we’ve had to suffer through. And in the spirit of hoping for that, here are some of my predictions of what crazy shenanigans might go down at this year’s festivities:

• Seth MacFarlane’s tiny doll hands will be too small for the microphone, which he’ll drop at least twice during his opening monologue.
• Kanye West will interrupt Anne Hathaway’s acceptance speech by claiming that Sally Field had “the best performance ever.” Emperor Jay-Z is pleased. Very pleased. When Annie-cakes finally does get her moment on stage, she cries until music plays her off stage.

• Quentin Tarantino will finally have a coherent and well-executed speech… HAHAJK (I would’ve used “LOL” here, but you know who pays my bills)!
• Adele will be cheeky. Everybody give Adele more awards. She needs more awards or she will disintegrate.
• Amour will win every category because almost no one has seen it. That’s how this stuff works.
• And when Amour does win everything, the Weinstein brothers will go into a Hulk-like rage. All their time creating and perfecting the robot known as Jennifer Lawrence has been in vain. Next year, guys.
• Kristen Stewart is presenting an award. She’ll probably drop it. They really shouldn’t let her near awards anymore.
• Jessica Chastain will have a seat-filler accidently sit in her lap numerous times throughout the night because she has become so thin and pale that she is virtually invisible to the untrained eye. But if you can vaguely identify her, I’m sure her dress will look fabulous.
• Hugh Jackman will insist he is not gay. Guys he’s not gay. But he does admit to being “fabulous.”
• Taylor Swift will try to sneak on stage to perform, even though nobody asked her to. She just assumes she has a performance at every awards show.
• No one will pronounce Quvenzhané Wallis’s name right. This traumatic experience will set her on a Lindsay Lohan-type spiral.
• Upon receiving his award, Daniel Day-Lewis will finally break character as he realizes his life is in fact, not The Truman Show. This is the last time anyone will see Daniel Day-Lewis.
• By the end of the show, all gay rumors will shift from Hugh Jackman, who’s been making out with his wife the entire show, to Seth MacFarlane. His dance numbers and singing will simply be too effective.

But that’s if you’re a somebody. We’re the nobodies, and nobodies love one thing on Oscar Sunday besides consuming celebrities, wishing we looked like them, had their careers or were able to sleep with their significant others. On Oscar Sunday, what we really love is filling out Oscar ballots and pretending we know something about the industry that coined the phrase, “no one knows anything.”

So, for all the nobodies, here is HAHAJK’s podcast On The List’s own Brett Gursky’s best attempt at picking the only Academy Award winners anyone really cares about, giving you a shot at a few bucks from your friends and maybe even a leg up at being considered a somebody.  Brett is verified on Twitter, which obviously makes him a somebody – so pay attention.

The Picks

Best Picture: Argo
Best Director: Steven Spielberg/Lincoln
Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis/Lincoln
Best Actress: Jennifer Lawrence/Silver Linings Playbook
Best Supporting Actor: Robert De Niro/Silver Linings Playbook
Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway/Les Miserables
Best Original Screenplay: Mark Boal/Zero Dark Thirty
Best Adapted Screenplay: Chris Terrio/Argo
Best Foreign Film: Amour
Best Documentary: Searching For Sugar Man

Here’s why:

1. In The Hunger Games, Jenn Law had to play a feminist in the future. In Silver Linings Playbook, she played a present-day slut. Everyone knows what present day sluts are like, but how the hell did she play a futuristic feminist so convincingly? That’s acting, people.

Photo Credit: Lionsgate Films

2. Archery is badass – plain and simple.

Photo Credit: Lionsgate Films

3. It’s harder to be good in a movie that sucks than to be awesome in an awesome movie. And that’s just obvious.

Photo Credit: NBC

How hard is it to act like she’s in love with Bradley Cooper? Every girl loves Bradley Cooper. He speaks French for christ’s sake! What’s hard, what takes real chops, is acting like she’s in love with a dude sporting a lazy eye.

She’s hotter in The Hunger Games. Just my opinion, sluts are a turnoff. 

Photo Credit: Lionsgate Films

By : Kurtis Rintala

HAHAJK has broken the night of the awards into 5 phases, offering suggested behavior on how to fit in and get ahead.

1.  Oscar Morning Warm-Ups: Practice smiling for extended periods of time and have friends or family hurl insults in your direction while you attempt to maintain composure.
2.  On the Red Carpet: As you work your way down the carpet, lined with reporters, rabid fans and photographers waiting to catch you fall or frown, make sure to never let that practiced smile leave your face. When approached for an interview, take compliments about your outfit graciously and return the compliments while upping the ante and remarking on the person’s hair. If you must do a pirouette, only do it once and then continue on into the Dolby Theatre.
3.  While Seated: Make sure one of your assistants has found out whom you are sitting near so you have one compliment in the chamber to fire off and get that nose brown. While Seth MacFarlane is performing his opening monologue, laugh at every joke (even if you don’t think it’s funny) because you don’t want the camera to land on your face and have it turn into a meme a la Tommy Lee Jones from the Golden Globes. Don’t laugh too hard, though, because people might speculate later that you were drunk, stoned or worse, what you really are: fake.
4. While Accepting an Award: Act surprised; you will seem humble, which is very important. Mention the fact that you never thought you’d be on this stage. But don’t overdo it, everyone hates that. We assure you Anne Hathaway will not abide by this when she wins this Sunday. Thank your manager, agents, publicists, producers, the entire studio lot, anyone working in craft services, best boys, best girls, your high school acting coach and the kid you grew up with who told you you’d never make it. Tell your fellow nominees that you are honored just to have been included in the same category as them so when the camera cuts away to them they can look satisfied. Only mention your spouse and children last as the music is playing you off stage. They can’t keep you working like everyone you already mentioned.
5. After Parties: You’ve most likely been going non-stop since the morning. It may be a monumental struggle at this point, but keep smiling even when you get stopped on the red carpet of the events and have to answer more of the same questions, and have to explain what the award means to you if you won or worse, how happy you are for others if you lost. If you won an Oscar, don’t approach anyone, they’ll happily come to you. Return the praise with a thank you and one nice thing about their appearance. If you didn’t win anything, take it easy on the booze so you don’t look like you fell off the wagon due to your loss. If you weren’t even nominated, drink like a fish, no one cares about you.

We don’t know what this means exactly, but what we do know is that the content on the 5-Second Films site – a collection of five-second short films – is not only resourcefully produced and told, but more importantly, funny. It’s an overly impressive and inventive feat, considering the lightning quick run-time guideline. So, if catching up on every Academy Award nominated film before Sunday is becoming a long, drag of a viewing experience, mix it up with some 5-second films. We think you’ll enjoy them.

Check it out:

www.5secondfilms.com

Photo Credit: @madonna on Instagram

HAHAJK.com’s weekly news wrap-up is back again with two more amazing comedian guests. Hosts Tony Sam (HAHAJK.com Editor/Writer, Attack of the Show) and Kurtis Rintala (HAHAJK.com, NBC’s Friends) are joined by actor/comedians Nick Thune (Comedy Central Presents, Don’t Trust the B- in Apt. 23) and Ben Kronberg (Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham, Jimmy Kimmel Live) and Megan Neuringer (Best Week Ever, The Nick Kroll Show).

Todays topics include:  A dead Canadian tourist found in the water supply of LA’s Hotel Cecil, the happiest states on Twitter, a c-section gets live-tweeted and filmed, Bionic Eyes, Ben’s Mom calls in, Ben’s birthday, The Top Story In Your Week, mosquitoes, and more!

Photo Credits: FameFlynet

With cameras rolling on a recent taping of Extra, she re-created the infamous Go Daddy Super Bowl commercial and received exactly what she was looking for: attention.

See the desperation continue:

We have no problem with her whoring:

Here they are:

Feb 2013: Paparazzi Hate Crime - The ’30 Rock’ star is accused of spewing racial hate at retired New York Police Detective/Paparazzi, G. N. Miller, after he found him staking out his Manhattan home. Miller, an African-American, tells police the actor called him a “coon,” a “drug dealer” and a “crackhead,” according to New York Post.

June 2012: Wedding Day Paparazzi Assault – Just hours before he was to be wed to current wife and soon to be baby momma, Hilaria Thomas, Baldwin went on a tirade and took to grabbing the arm of a nosey paparazzo (Splash photographer Brian Prahl) while verbally assaulting him and others. Why verbally assault others? Because it’s fun, we assume.

Dec 2011: American Airlines Words with Friends Debacle – After refusing to end a game of Words with Friends and power down his iPad, Baldwin is removed from his flight by airline personnel. But not before he slaps them with a few well-placed tweets, including: Flight attendant on American reamed me out 4 playing WORDS W FRIENDS while we sat at the gate, not moving. #nowonderamericaairisbankrupt

April 2007: Voicemail Rants to Daughter – You’re not going to win “Father of the Year” when you shame your daughter over voicemail, calling her a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” However, you can win “Daughter of the Year” by releasing that voicemail to the public and making your dad look like an angry monster. Other reports claim Alec’s ex-wife and ex-good looking actress Kim Basinger released the voice mail, which would make her “Ex-Wife of the Year.” Alec has since apologized for the message and blamed his words on the stress of his custody battle with Basinger, which won “Excuse of the Year” for 2007.

Who you gonna call? HA-HA-JK!

As an added bonus, the episode begins with a visit from Jami Philbrick, the managing editor of Relativity Media’s IAmRogue.com, who joins Brett and Ben to make final Oscar predictions, with the 85th Annual Academy Awards just days away on Sunday, February 24th.  Check out Brett’s article “IAR’s Oscar Winner Predictions” on IAmRogue.

Ben Feldman is “On The List”

Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) Season 16 returns MONDAY, MARCH 18, and we won’t find out until TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26 about the cast and their professional dance partners, but with every new season the professional dancers are seemingly more famous than their “celebrity” partners. It seems like they’ve been running out of ideas and or willing fox trotters for years. Sure, they’ve had their share of washed-up actors, musicians and athletes, but by season 15, how many of you even knew who Gilles Marini, Hélio Castroneves, and Sabrina Bryan were, or cared to see Joey Fatone, Emmit Smith, or Kirstie Alley dance like newborn baby calves?

Seriously, how do you top a list of “stars” that has Apolo Anton Ono, Shawn Johnson, and Bristol Palin? And if you’re ever forced to ask that question, you know you’re in trouble.

Rumors are swirling around Big Mama June Shannon from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” fame joining the reality juggernaut, but since the viewers have their say, we thought we’d present a few casting suggestions of our own to help ABC and the show’s producers keep with the tradition of “quality” celebs.

1. Isaiah Mustafa – No, he isn’t a Disney character or an international terrorist, he’s the guy from all those Old Spice commercials. Who wouldn’t want to see him shake his thang?

2. Vinny Guadagnino – Because Jersey Shore is over and when the highlight of your career is over, DWTS is always next.

3. Oscar Pistorius – Known for his lightning-fast prosthetic legs, fancy foot-work and now his raging temper, it might be a little difficult to get this former Olympian because of some pesky court appearances for premeditated murder, though.

4. Lolo Jones – Who needs Olympic Medals when you look like this? Her college accolades aside, the not quite speedy enough hurdler is still a prime candidate by DWTS standards

5. Nev Schulman – The Catfish guy. Lucky for us, with him we know what we are getting. A cool twist would be to let him think he was being partnered with a professional only to find out it is the weird woman from his hit documentary.

6. Kareem-Abdul Jabar – He’s old and tall enough to make for some really awkward TV moments. He’d be the second Laker after Rick Fox to grace the stage, but even he might be too famous.

7. Debbie Gibson – She made a cameo on the show back in 2007, but has never been a contestant. She sang her way into our hearts in the ‘80s, and we laughed her off the screen in such forgettable films as “Megashark vs. Giant Octopus” and “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid”.

8. Erik Estrada – This guy seems like he was born to be on DWTS. He’s been on more infomercials than actual TV shows, and has that Latin flair that could propel him right to the top.

9. Jamie Kennedy – Do we have to say more?

10. Kathie-Lee Gifford – Tell us why she hasn’t been on again? If she can stay sober long enough to rehearse, she could last at least five episodes. Singing and dancing was once her thing, who knows, maybe she could take the whole thing?

Tell us who’d you like to see.

Here’s some pics of last years “stars”:

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

“I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one who ever sampled the show.

Kardashian took on the hosting duty, opposite Extra TV veteran AC Slater (aka Mario Lopez), with no prior experience. Sources say it was her visibly uncomfortable on-camera appearance that led to Kardashian being dismissed.

The 28-year-old, known best from E!’s Keeping Up with the Kardashians recently told HuffPost Live this little gem about being on live TV:

“Just learning how there’s a screaming audience and you don’t yell because the mic is right there. I will have an earpiece in my ear, and while I’m trying to read the teleprompter then I have someone counting down … and they’re like, ‘Okay, ask Simon this or that’ … There were so just so many pieces I never knew were involved in live TV.“

Poor thing.

We know this video’s quality is almost as bad as her hosting. Watch it. Trust us:

At least she can continue exerting no skill for a living on her family’s show. But if Khloe really wants another job, here are HAHAJK’s suggestions:

1. Lamp

2. Tree

3. Statue

Downtown Los Angeles…where the Lakers and Kings win, and you lose if you don’t have enough money to stay at a nice hotel. It’s a cold, cold world out there (even though it’s generally 70 degrees here), so act accordingly.

Celebrity gifting suites are weird. On one hand, they’re a smart way for publicists to get goods and services into the hands of stars who can be incredibly influential. On the other hand, gifting suites can be an absolute shit-show of random no-names trying to get their picture taken while grubbing for free shit. As a reporter, I’m frequently one of these random no-names. For me, being granted entry to these events is like being invited to the zoo. Instead of clawing my way to the front for a free spray tan (no thanks) or lingering around to see if the PR firm deemed me important enough to be graced with an actual gift bag (sometimes), I just stand back and observe the animals. This is what I see:

Publicists: Behind every great gifting suite there’s a PR firm who tirelessly works to fill the room with a good balance of swag and celebrities. Publicists are savvy to the appearances game, so they invite reporters, bloggers and other “tastemakers” to make the room look full of people and energy. They give cheap swag like manicures and low-end gift bags to their less important guests (the “no-names”) while they wait for the actual celebrities to arrive. It’s a sly way for PR firms to foster their relationships with reporters because it makes writers feel pampered and special. However, publicists only invite reporters because they want something. They think that if they give you something for free, you now owe them something in return. Remember that complimentary $10 manicure you just received? It’s now going to cost you a story about Ashley Tisdale and the new diet supplement she loves. Bummer.

Reporters: How much money do you think tabloid reporters make? I’ll tell you. Salaried reporters make about $30k-$50k per year.  A hefty $50,000 salary is reserved for senior staff reporters who have a wealth of good sources, crafty investigative skills and a willingness to work long hours (sometimes upwards of 80 hours per week). $50k a year for 80 hours a week works out to roughly $12.02 per hour. That’s barely above minimum wage. Free cocktails, free massages and even free bottles of sample size shampoo are much more appealing when you make less than an In-N-Out employee. That’s why reporters are there.

Editors: Anyone with real editorial power (like Vogue’s Anna Wintour) rarely makes an appearance at a gifting suite because like A-list celebrities, swag bags are delivered directly to their home or office. Plus, they don’t want to look like a hopeless schmuck who craves free crumbs. Standing around waiting for free shit is the first way to let people know you‘re a zero in Hollywood.

Celebrity Assistants: Glorified gophers towing giant bags of crap their bosses were too “busy” to pick up can be seen all over gifting suites. If they happen to assist a really popular celebrity, the Publicist might kiss up by giving the assistant a gift bag too, although I’m pretty sure this is to make sure the goods are delivered directly to the star rather than being held hostage by the assistant. Celebs give most items they don’t like to their assistants anyway, so this could be considered a double-score, I suppose.

Celebrities: I use this term loosely because A-list stars would never be caught dead in a celebrity gifting suite. Years ago, gifting suites were private parties that granted certain privilege to real stars who wanted access to high-end gifts and services before an award show or ceremony.  They took place in a secret and very private relaxing atmosphere where photos were only taken as a courtesy to the sponsor because back in the day, elite brands would give away $500 cashmere scarves and $250,000 home theater systems with $20,000 plasma TVs. Now that is worth an in-person celebrity appearance and quickie photo for the sponsor. Unfortunately for celebrities, gift suites today feature free toothpaste. Free. Toothpaste.

So… let’s try this again.

“Celebrities”: There’s a certain group of stars who are considered the usual suspects at every gifting suite. Photographers AND free stuff? These celebs are so there. Think I’m lying? Google the word “gifting suite” and you’ll see photos of the same people keep popping up.  The list includes Paris Hilton, Denise Richards, Tori Spelling, Dean McDermott, Annalynne Mccord, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Holly Robinson Peete, Stacy Keibler, Eliza Dushku, Jaime Pressly, Teri Hatcher, La La Vasquez-Anthony, Samaire Armstrong, Shar Jackson, Ashley Greene, Bai Ling, the midget from that HBO show (not the midget from that other HBO show), reality stars and of course, Mario Lopez.

Mindless mistake? Or nefarious PLOT?

It didn’t stop there. The no-longer-infallible but still lovely Lawrence hosted SNL later that week, desperate to make up for her Golden Gaff. And it happened again! Jen was almost deliberately awful. I haven’t seen a host phone it in like this since Dead-Eyes-Franco at 2011’s Oscars. She insulted her fellow Oscar nominees (Quvenzhané Wallis is 9, she doesn’t know what satire is yet) and defended her vicious verbal assault of Meryl Streep! A quote from a movie she says … HMPH.

Next thing you know we’ll catch her talking about her tits on Jimmy Kimmel! OK, so she already did that … with a neurotic doctor’s office story that female Woody Allen would’ve written.

What are you doing, J-Lawlz? You’re drawing all this controversy, right in the midst of award season! I think I speak for America when I say we’re a little put-off. Unless …

You already managed to win a Screen Actors Guild Award despite all this bad press. If you won the Oscar despite your shifting reputation and stiff competition, like Jessica Chastain and Hushpuppy, it would be more impressive than winning three Academy Awards.

Wait a minute … That’s the number of awards won by American sweetheart Meryl Streep.

WAIT. A. MINUTE. Oh no you’re not. You’re trying to beat Meryl! Sure, she’s not nominated this year so you couldn’t do it directly, but even Meryl couldn’t spoil her reputation this badly and still win an Oscar!

Jennifer Lawrence, you are an evil genius.

Contributed by: BEN

Watch:

Part 1:

Part2: